Self Care Check-In

    Hello! The next short story, a Sci-Fi titled Them, will be starting up next Friday. As there's no story part this week, it seemed like a good idea to me that I do a Self Care Check-in (both as a reminder for me and for you that we need to take care of ourselves).
    This check-in is important because May was a rough month for me. Between sick kids, my husband working nights, extra appointments and chores, and a body that hates me, I've been surviving through more pain pills than I like to take... with the yucky discovery that Naproxen and I are not compatible (as in it doesn't touch the pain and comes with an added bonus of depression). So much for that as a helpful new prescription.

    We also had large, unexpected expenses that we just can't afford to deal with easily right now. Money stress when ends don't meet for years is a wild thing, you know? You get used to carrying it all the time and seem to just... stop caring that you're financially dying as the debt claws sink deeper into your back. Then the monster dozes off and you pack it around carefully so it doesn't wake up.
    This month it woke up straight into a screaming tantrum.
    And then, almost like a cake topper perching on the mess of garbage that is supposedly the lovely month of May, I got tagged in a hashtag game on Twitter where you pay yourself a compliment. Not going to lie, it took me nearly two hours to think  up something. Most self-compliments had me feeling fake or like I was doing an icebreaker activity at a work meeting. At the beginning of the two hours I was going to simply put a joke reply, have a bit of a lark with humorous self-deprecation, but then I realized I was missing the point.
​    I started mentally listing through the things I'm good at, the things that I know I'm good at. I started thinking about the compliments that friends and colleagues have given me. I even rehashed a bunch of the positive moments in my therapy sessions that led me to really think about and remember the good stuff about me. A truckload of compliments later for the things I've done well, lately and in years past, let me pick the one I view as being the highest right now: I really am doing all right.

    We're struggling hard financially, but my husband and I both view money they same way so we don't have any mismatched spending habits adding to the financial stress. We both had savings we draw from, and family helps when they can. And my husband is working now - there are jobs out there for him again - so we just have to get through this latest bad part.
    I'm struggling hard with pain, but I have years of experience for keeping the ouch under control. One failed prescription is not the end; it's just the end of that option as help. Besides, life will cycle back to boring and I know how to get my body into aching and away from the extra pain pills once there are less demands on me.
​​    Of course, during all of this month, my anxiety tried to devour every part of my ability to both function and rest. This is what my anxiety does whenever it gets the chance to flare up (or creates its own opportunities, or is provided any opening through any social interaction where it can get a foothold... *sigh*). This month, however, I'm happy to report that it lost more battles than it won. Thanks to therapy, I have better reaction times when I'm spiraling so I can usually recognize and break out of the bad loops before causing damage. Not always, there were definitely some bad days and some really bad spirals, but there were only bad days. Not bad weeks, not bad months: bad days. There are no words for how amazing it is to be able to say that.

    I've been playing during times when I should have been working, I've been watching movies with my kids when I should have been cleaning up, and I've been sitting down and eating when I should have been grabbing something on the run. Why? Because 'should' is a trap ​and I and I should get it out of my vocabulary.
​    For all of this month, I kept up three meals a day. That's not too shabby for someone fighting internally to let themselves be allowed to eat because an eating disorder demands the authority to grant permission for, and retains veto rights over, every meal and snack. Sleep suffered this month, but less than it would have if the eating disorder hadn't been kept in check by the learnings from therapy. Time with my kids, husband, and with my friends didn't suffer, and that's one hundred percent due to the eating disorder being kept in check by learnings from therapy.
​    So for this Self Care Check-in:
       1. Have you eaten something yummy?
       2. Are you sleeping on your favorite sheets?
       3. Have you danced silly?
       4. Did you sing badly and /or loudly?
       5. Was your last shower / bath a good one?

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    Now think of one thing that makes you smile. It can be anything as long as the smile is real. Open your hands palm up if you're able to, take one breath as deep as you can, unclench your jaw and allow your shoulders to relax. Now give yourself a compliment. Hope you have a great weekend!