The first seasonal holiday event is complete, and now we're rounding the final bend into the New Year celebrations. Out come all the "best of" lists and the "resolutions you SHOULD have" lists and the "I'm going to be a better me by doing..." lists. So now I get to be a bit rantish. It's like being peckish, but with angry feelings instead of hungry feelings. Why? Because not everyone can hold onto the I'm A Happy Me ALL THE TIME mask.
In case nobody noticed, I really am a bit cynical. Sometimes maniacal. This time of year, with all its forced wide-eyed belief in everything that's been super hard until now suddenly going to get really easy because of throwing a few words into a goal-based mantra... me and my anxiety-riddled brain usually have a hard time with this point in the year. Those "best of" lists are typically things I haven't heard of or didn't actually like, so anxiety states I have done The Alive Thing wrong again this year. Any "SHOULD have" list or statement is a nest of poisonous snakes inside a sleeping bear and I am just not going to poke that shit. My anxiety and depression does not need to know that I should be sleeping three hours a night - without making time to eat - so that I can achieve GREAT THINGS. Just, no. As for the "better me will do..." lists... isn't this what I've already been trying to do every day? So...?
What all this above rambling means is that this year, for the New Year, I'm only listening to the music lists of "best of 2018". I love most music, so hearing songs I haven't heard and seeing where the stuff I already like is sitting on the rankings is fun and my anxiety can't pick at it. I'm avoiding the "SHOULD" lists as if they are all laced with bubonic plague (ie: Black Death).
Total aside: many moons ago I read a great article on replacing "should" with "will" in any sentence and, if the sentence becomes ridiculous, get rid of thinking you "should" do the thing. This trick has helped my brain SO MUCH! It was a click-bait link that I clicked to get to the article, so now many months later I can't find the link, but this word replacement in personal thoughts is a good one for me.
So, I'm starting 2019 with having asked my doctor for help and gotten into therapy, and I have a phone number for the local grief counseling specialists burning a hole in my desk that I'm going to use next week to see if I can get that counseling started, too.
"Best of 2018" lists? Only music... if I get around to it.
"Resolutions you SHOULD have" lists? Hahahaha! No.
"Be the best you by doing..." lists? Y-e-a-h... I'm already doing that. I'll just keep going.
I can't miraculously ~cure~ my anxiety, but I can work inside solutions that don't sabotage my self-care. Side note: you can, too. You don't have to trap yourself into things that aren't possible and are only fleeting wishes of the season. You also don't have to weight your personal progress under other people's seasonal wishes that make you lose sight of the most important thing: YOU. Bring in the year on your terms with the ways that work for you to be your best you, cynical optimism and maniacal laughter optional. ;)
May the best good luck of 2019 find you! Have a lovely weekend and a great New Year's Day!
A weekly blog updating on Fridays with quick personal blurbs about me, as in what's going on during my life as an Author and mom, and that doles out my short stories and novellas in bite-sized parts for everyone to read for free!