Almost... There...

    The first seasonal holiday event is complete, and now we're rounding the final bend into the New Year celebrations. Out come all the "best of" lists and the "resolutions you SHOULD have" lists and the "I'm going to be a better me by doing..." lists. So now I get to be a bit rantish. It's like being peckish, but with angry feelings instead of hungry feelings. Why? Because not everyone can hold onto the I'm A Happy Me ALL THE TIME mask.
    In case nobody noticed, I really am a bit cynical. Sometimes maniacal. This time of year, with all its forced wide-eyed belief in everything that's been super hard until now suddenly going to get really easy because of throwing a few words into a goal-based mantra... me and my anxiety-riddled brain usually have a hard time with this point in the year. Those "best of" lists are typically things I haven't heard of or didn't actually like, so anxiety states I have done The Alive Thing wrong again this year. Any "SHOULD have" list or statement is a nest of poisonous snakes inside a sleeping bear and I am just not going to poke that shit. My anxiety and depression does not need to know that I should be sleeping three hours a night - without making time to eat - so that I can achieve GREAT THINGS. Just, no.  As for the "better me will do..." lists... isn't this what I've already been trying to do every day? So...? 

    All these lists tend to hit me in the anxiety and remind me that the depression is, in fact, completely correct in its whispers that I Failed at Life So Why Have Any Optimism At All? I know the lists are all meant to be nostalgic and encouraging and uplifting, but they often come off in the same passive-aggressive way as that one relative who looks down across the holiday feasting table and says your job is "cute" and your life decisions are "nice". And I mean, seriously, you could be the world's top brain surgeon, happily married, and that relative would still sneer that your job was easy and your marriage was secretly unhappy because the topic is you. And don't even get that relative started on knowing that, due to the economy, you're not working (or, you know, that you would openly discuss something like sexuality).
    There just aren't enough eye rolls, and you have my deepest, deepest sympathy if this relative was part of your holidays.
    These end-of-year lists just don't work for me. I'm not nostalgic, I'm sarcastic. As well, cynical me just can't get behind making up goals because reality me wilts under failure and anxiety turns goals into self-fulfilling Fail Prophecies. I really don't need that.

Thank you to everyone who picked up a book from Story Shares this month! This non-profit library is active all year, every year, to help teen and adult struggling readers get the tools and resources needed to improve their literacy skills. Profits from every purchase go directly to developing more resources and books. Help everyone find their joy in reading!

    What all this above rambling means is that this year, for the New Year, I'm only listening to the music lists of "best of 2018". I love most music, so hearing songs I haven't heard and seeing where the stuff I already like is sitting on the rankings is fun and my anxiety can't pick at it. I'm avoiding the "SHOULD" lists as if they are all laced with bubonic plague (ie: Black Death).
    Total aside: many moons ago I read a great article on replacing "should" with "will" in any sentence and, if the sentence becomes ridiculous, get rid of thinking you "should" do the thing. This trick has helped my brain SO MUCH! It was a click-bait link that I clicked to get to the article, so now many months later I can't find the link, but this word replacement in personal thoughts is a good one for me.

The wars are over.
The viruses are being controlled.
The world is still ending.
​At least, people's place in the world is ending.
Faith isn't always found in the same places... this short story isn't about what you'd think. 

    As for My Best Me, I'm just going to keep doing the improvement stuff I've been doing. That must be working because this this year has been a struggle but this holiday season has been so memorable. My in-laws and hubby honored my wishes for please no more "stuff" and, in doing so, gave me the gift of time because I had zero "stuff" to put away after opening presents. I seriously had time to run laundry through - who has time for five loads across Christmas Eve and Christmas day?? This lady, that's who! :D - and I had time to fold everything. And oh my gods my kids are so loved by everyone in their lives right now and my happy heart hurts with the sweet toys, wishes, and memories that people gave them. Also, my in-laws and chosen family are some of the most amazing, kind, hilarious, and honestly wonderful people I'm lucky enough to know. I started 2018 having left a toxic job and life direction to focus on family, self care, and writing, and I did that, and the progress has been amazing. That progress also stalled out a couple months ago because, wow, 2018 was A GRIND and... Ugh! Life, right?

    So, I'm starting 2019 with having asked my doctor for help and gotten into therapy, and I have a phone number for the local grief counseling specialists burning a hole in my desk that I'm going to use next week to see if I can get that counseling started, too.
    "Best of 2018" lists? Only music... if I get around to it.
    "Resolutions you SHOULD have" lists? Hahahaha! No. 
    "Be the best you by doing..." lists? Y-e-a-h... I'm already doing that. I'll just keep going.
    I can't miraculously ~cure~ my anxiety, but I can work inside solutions that don't sabotage my self-care. Side note: you can, too. You don't have to trap yourself into things that aren't possible and are only fleeting wishes of the season. You also don't have to weight your personal progress under other people's seasonal wishes that make you lose sight of the most important thing: YOU. Bring in the year on your terms with the ways that work for you to be your best you, cynical optimism and maniacal laughter optional. ;)
    May the best good luck of 2019 find you! Have a lovely weekend and a great New Year's Day!